Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
