officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
