There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
