ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
