don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
