You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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