My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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