The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
