I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
