i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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