I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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