u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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