i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
