There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
