drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
