similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
