can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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