Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
