hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
