I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
this is an emotional support booty call
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
