I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
