two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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