peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
time to smoke my breakfast
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Are we still banned from the library?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
And then my night got REAL pukey
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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