I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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