Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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