She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
