I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
