I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
