my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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