Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
