Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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