Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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