Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
