Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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