I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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