I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
