and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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