Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
