Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
