in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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