I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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