I accidentally burped into my bong.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
