He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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