Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
