2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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