Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
