Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
