I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
