Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
