Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
