Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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