i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
