Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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