your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
