Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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