u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
