i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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