My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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