is your mom at the bar?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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