Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
