Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
