That's when you crack a 10am beer
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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