the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
